Lessons from My Black Father

- The Future

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Father’s Day is a time to reflect on the importance of the role our fathers play in our lives. It is a time to express our love and appreciation for their commitment to us. Of course, many of us would agree that everyday ought to be Father’s Day, but the reality is that we reserve this time as a society to remind ourselves that the role of father is not to be taken for granted. Upon reflection, we are able to synthesize innumerable daily acts into lifetimes of cherished memories and lessons.

On this Father’s Day, I thought I’d share five real lessons my father taught me. Of course the list below is grossly incomplete, but it is evidence of the love and affection my father has shown me. Let’s call the lessons empirical examples of how Black fathers can and do raise their sons to become men capable of becoming responsible fathers themselves. So, if you’ll permit me this indulgence, perhaps there are lessons for all of us. Dad, this letter is to you.

• I remember the first time you took me fishing. It was just the two of us. I was just 5 years old. In retrospect, I know you spent more time watching me than actually fishing. I caught nothing that day except maybe a small knot on my head when I ineptly cast my reel back only to hit myself with the attached weight sinker. That day was awesome! Lesson 1: Catching “the fish” is often less important than just “fishing” or spending time with those you love.

• I remember when Procter & Gamble transferred you (us) to California for a two year assignment. I was 7 years old. We moved into a neighborhood where we were the only Black family. I was uncomfortable with the idea of making new friends. I remember how you bought me a soccer ball, but before you handed it to me, I stood and watched as you wrote all over the ball with an ink marker. When you handed me the ball, I read the several notes you had written. They were words of support and encouragement. You told me how important I was—not just to you, but the world. Lesson 2: Our thoughts become our reality and fathers can help children realize their potential by reaffirming it with words and deeds.

• When I was 9 years old, I began to assert my independence by earning money. I would mow yards in the neighborhood for eight dollars. You brought it to my attention that I was using your lawn mower and had failed to pay a lease for the mower that covered depreciation, had not replenished the gas, and had not saved towards purchasing my own lawn mower. When I relay this story today, many people laugh, but it is a source of great pride. Lesson 3: Success in life requires disciplined “re-investment” in the form of planning and preparation.

• By the time I reached high school, like most teenagers, I was fairly opinionated. I wrote a controversial paper for AP English about presidential politics. It was just dumb luck that my teacher was the only NEA-hating Republican among the faculty (or at least I thought). My teacher became upset when I wrote a paper that referred to President Ronald Reagan as “Ronnie” Reagan. I still do not believe it should have affected my grade, but my teacher clearly thought otherwise. I remember how you and mom attended a teacher conference to defend my right to express my political position and demanded that the teacher grade my performance within his subject matter expertise. Lesson 4: Freedom of expression is not an obscure constitutional right; it is critical to your child’s development and deserves to be protected.

• You graduated from college the same year I graduated from high school. You were 44 years old and I was 18. It wasn’t easy. You attended classes at night and your job required you to travel a lot. This was long before the Connected Age of online universities. You were also helping to raise four children. I think you would be the first to acknowledge that the road was sometimes bumpy and imperfect. I am also certain that you would agree that a supportive spouse made all the difference. I want you to know how much I admired your determination. Lesson 5: Self-improvement is a never-ending process. No excuses.

The media often seem inundated with stories about the absence of Black fathers. I know the stories contain some kernel of truth, but I also know from personal experience they do not represent the entirety of it. Dad, I want to thank you for always showing the will and courage to “step up” to fatherhood. Malaika, my wife, and I are pregnant with what we pray will be our first child. On this day I celebrate you and the lessons you’ve taught me. I am also humbled by the responsibility to share these lessons with my own child, but I am optimistic because I know I was trained by the Best.

Your Loving Son,

Bert